tbh

To be honest, I've been thinking a lot about being honest and to be perfectly honest, being honest it a lot like a meteor that sails across the sky then falls swiftly to earth. A bit like the airplane engine part that falls out of the sky in Donnie Darko, except instead of one small metal piece obeying nature's forces, it's a huge rock, and instead of falling through a roof it falls on your entire hometown. It seems awesome for the first few seconds then you realise the gravity (get it?!) of the situation and it destroys everything before you can stop it. Not that you can stop it. Meteors, like the truth, seemingly come from nowhere, but when they do arrive, they cause all sorts of large and messy problems.

I am really enjoying this metaphor, so I will continue.

Let's imagine my state of mind as the wreckage of one such Meteoric Truth Attack. For once I'm not talking about how I've been truthful in the past and it has fucked everything up. I'm talking about how I've been truthful to myself for the first time in what feels like a year and owned up to the fact that I was wrong about some things, very wrong about others, and generally kept myself in the dark perhaps on purpose because I secretly realised how much upset shiny honesty an cause.

This metaphor is exhausted now, but I will say this: the crater that is left now has to be filled with something. I need this year to find out what.